Tonight I saw a life pass by my eyes. A life that isn't mine, but a life I wish could be mine someday in the future. Images of oceans and beaches, parks and apartments, kids and groceries, friends and laughter, walking and talking, coffee and wine, driving and eating, touching and playing, rocking chairs and music, guitars and pens. So many verbs, so many nouns - none of them words, just pictures, images, feelings. They passed through my mind in a split second in vivid, colorful images.
images that made me cry.
Tonight I let myself feel the things I yearn for and hope for. In the back of my mind those hopes and dreams and fantasies are alive, but I don't let them overpower me. They are always there, dictating my desires, but I don't often let them touch me - but tonight I let them touch me. All these images - each colored with one enduring emotion from image to image: utter and inexplicable happiness. Such beautiful images, you can't imagine. Scenes of a future where a child of divorce like me - like you - can find security and stability and strength. Scenes of happiness and generations and warmth and blankets and the making of new dreams. Scenes that touched me with such power in my mind's eyes - scenes that pulled at me.
Scenes that made me cry.
Tonight I don't know why I feel this way. Ok, actually I do: I'm listening to these songs - songs which are propelling those images of a future that I so fervently want to have, but don't know how to make come true. Chantal Kreviazuk, Christina Perry, Jann Arden, Ed Sheeran, Freddie Jackson. Maybe someday I'll share them with you and hope you can love them like I do; maybe someday we'd play them together and we'd sing them together. Such heart-string tugging songs. Such sad songs. Such beautiful songs. Songs to inspire. Songs to make you dream.
Songs that made me cry.
Tonight I thought of you. Of that future that I want, but don't know if I'll ever have. It's been so many years of this hope - this hope which has always been in me, and, a few years ago, your face became attached to this hope. No one else's. Just yours. A hope of moonlight and dancing, of whispers and loving - a hope that can only carry your name. But I don't know if this hope will ever become a reality - I don't know if it will ever convert from my head to my life. Maybe I'm just not good enough, or don't deserve it, or whatever. Tonight I thought of you deeply in a way I haven't let myself in a while. Thoughts of you, of me, of us - images of a future that I imagined could be true.
Tonight I thought of you.
And it made me cry.